Chapter 9: Lavender

MAVIS:
"We're leaving."
He brushes past me without a even glance. Axel and Jasper quietly follow behind him like it's some kind of protocol. None of them even bother to shut the door.
My thumb presses harder against my finger.
Well, that was weird.
I laugh under my breath.
Then my smile drops.
The room feels strangely quiet, like even the air stopped moving.
Without thinking, I start humming.
Axel didn't even say anything.
He just stared.
My nail digs deeper into my thumb.
"Shit."
I laugh again, quieter this time.
My hand curls into a fist.
Whatever.
It's their loss.
I flop back onto the bed, legs hanging off the edge as I stare at the ceiling.
Why are they so—
My eyebrows pull together.
Why are they so hard to be around sometimes?
Why can't they just let me breathe?
Why can't anything let me breathe?
God, they're pissing me off—
I slam both fists into the mattress.
I hate them.
I grab my hair.
This is all her fault.
She had to fuck with me until I snapped.
What a little bitch.
Ruined my life—
She ruined—
I hold my breath until I feel my face get red.
If I hit her harder—
If that knocked her brain back into place—
If I didn’t run—
I pick up pillows and chuck them off the bed as hard as I can.
One of the zippers catches on the wall and leaves a mark.
I rip at my hair harder.
Holding back swears and screams like a flood of lava.
‘Lara’
I would rather stick thousands of needles in my skin than see her 700 pound mole rat looking self ever again.
I tighten my grip again on my hair and roll onto my stomach, burying my face in the beige mattress.
A scream tears out of me.
Not loud enough for anyone down the hall to hear.
The door's still open.
She made it so hard just to walk in the halls.
Made everyone hate me because of her stupid lies.
I scream again.
I roll back onto my back.
My face burns.
My hands are still tangled in my hair, my mouth hanging slightly open.
Groaning, I drag my hands down my face.
This is so unfair.

AXEL:
I left the door open for Mavis to walk out with us, but she didn't. I let Jasper and Mika walk in front of me because I kept waiting for her to come out.
Should I wait for her? She might find it stupid.
"Axel, let's go," Mika calls down the hall.
"Sorry, just— hold on, I'll be there soon." I watch as Mika's face hints at annoyance. He turns away with Jasper already far ahead.
Crap. I just screwed up again.
I look back at the doorway. She’s just busy, she’s ok. turn after Mika and Jasper.
Then I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey, kid. Where's everyone else?" Creed stands close enough that I can smell the weed on his breath.
"I think... busy." His mouth twitches down a bit. "Left you in the hall?" he says, using his gentle voice.
I pause to think about it a moment.
"Yeah." It comes out flat and quieter.
His face drops. Then picks itself back up with sympathy.
"Hey. They might be fine without you."
He keeps brushing my shoulder.
"But I'm not."
My eyes look down at the marble floor, I exhale quietly through my nose.
"Look at me," he says, still breathing on me.
He lifts my chin up with his hand. "It's okay. Your special to me at least."
I pause a moment, biting my cheeks. Then look past Creed down at the open door.
"Really?" My eyes shoot back to him.
He inches closer, his thumb rubbing my shoulder gently. "Definitely. You’re all I have left.” He smiles, warm.
"You aren't mad at me? Because we didn't help you?"
"Not mad. Mika knew what to do. Told him specifically. He still didn't understand. They don’t care she’s dead."
I look at him. His dark brown eyes look down on me almost lovingly.
"Sorry," I mumble.
He chuckles.
"What're you sorry about?"
"I don't know." He ruffles my hair. "You're a sweet kid, you know that? You make me happy. Keep it up." He sounds cheerful, then walks away down the hall with his fingers in his belt loops.
I lean my back against the wall, watching the open door. Waiting for Mavis.
I really need her to come out now.

It feels like five minutes pass and she hasn't come.
I bite my cheek again, pushing off the wall to check.
I slightly speed walk down the hall eager to see what’s taking her so long.
I approach the door and the lights hanging from the ceiling are dimmed.
She's lying on her back on a bed.
"Mavis—" I stop when she pushes herself up abruptly. She doesn't look at me. She just walks past me like I was never there to begin with, then starts walking with a bounce in her step down the hall.
I grip the doorknob harder, then turn and watch her walk away until she isn't visible anymore. A lump grows in my throat and I let it sit there. I close the door quietly and drop down in front of my trinkets.
I grab a handful of the warm oranges in one hand and bright yellows in the other.
I hold them closely and look at the other pretty colors in their small containers.
Mika likes green. Jasper likes indigo. Mavis likes red.
I exhale softly through my nose.
I still feel beige. But if I was a color, I would be lavender.

MIKA:
“Sorry, just— hold on, I'll be there soon."
I sigh, then turn around and Jasper's already far ahead. It's getting dark. If we're going, we leave soon. I walk calmly to where Jasper is, next to the door, bracing myself for whatever happens next.
He doesn't look up, doesn't even move. Just sits there fidgeting with his headphones because he never takes them off.
It's too quiet. I shift slightly against the wall. I can hear his breathing. Steady, but oddly calm.
My posture gets tighter.
He finally glances up.
I look at him for a moment. He doesn't look away.
My heart gets slightly faster and I immediately hate it.
I keep looking him in the eye. It’s like we’re both waiting for the other to speak up.
My back straightens more.
"Dude, why are you doing that? What's wrong?" he asks, still watching me.
"You— what?" I hate how my voice sounds smaller.
"You're doing the stiff thing."
I don't respond immediately, going over what he could mean. He watches me like I'm being an idiot.
And that makes me not know how to respond even more.
He sighs and looks back at his headphones then I clench my jaw tighter.
It’s so quiet I can hear the water pipes in the walls.
"What stiff thing?" I ask, making my voice sound bigger.
He doesn't lift his head this time.
"The stiff thing. Like when you flex your muscles." He pauses, visibly regretting saying that, his eyes even slightly widen until he catches himself and fixes it.
We're both quiet for too long.
"I don't do that“
"I meant back muscles. Otherwise you'd have nothing to flex." He fires back like he's been waiting to say it. He cracks a small smile because I don’t know how to respond but tries to hide it.
I have my mouth slightly open, still looking at him.
He’s trying not to laugh, he obviously thinks my reactions hilarious.
It's quiet again and I can hear his breathing.
I feel like I stand there longer than I should.
Going over what just happened.
Was he joking?
It could’ve been an observation too.
I still made it kinda awkward though.
I realize I’m still looking at him.
I inhale sharply to break the silence.
"Where's Mavis and Axel?" I say it way too fast.
He shrugs like he didn't notice, and stops smiling.
"Well, we need to leave now." I walk away saying it.

I almost speed walk down the hall to the bedroom. When I swing around the corner I slam into something solid.
I bounce back, catching myself on the wall.
I look up to see Creed looking down on me.
"Why are you still here," he demands.
I pull myself up quickly, then stand tall.
"We're waiting for Mavis and Axel," I say, keeping my voice steady.
He looks me up and down. I clench my jaw again.
"Listen," he says, stepping closer.
"Do you wanna do this?" he asks, almost whispering.
I open my mouth to say something. Nothing comes out at first.
"You want us to," I say louder.
"That's not what I asked."
He pauses, searching my face. I keep it blank.
"You don't want to, do you?" His expression is almost unreadable.
I don't answer.
"You don't want to," he says, disappointed.
I still don't respond.
"Answer me!" Raising his voice, he throws his hands up.
I flinch. Hard. Almost stumbling back.
"You can't do this one thing for me?! Why did she die?! Why is my wife gone?!”
"No, no— we will, we—"
"Do you remember the alley, Mika? The rain? You didn't have a name then. I gave you a roof. I gave you food. I gave you purpose. When everyone else decided what they thought about you."
I keep my arms subtly near my face with his hands still waving in the air.
"And now, because things get a little difficult, you can't do this simple task?"
Mavis stands behind him. Scared. Opening the closet door and closing it.
"That's not just failure, it's cowardice."
"I saved you from the world that wanted you dead — is this how you repay the man who gave you a real home?! Do you care Marcy’s gone!?”
He points to my chest.
"I saved you! When no one else would!"
"You think your uncle wanted you?! Then why are you here?!”
When he says that a lump starts growing in my throat.
“I gave you a life! Do you think he cared for you?! He kicked you out!
He puts his hands down, his face inches away from mine.
“Tell me!”
I close my eyes. Wishing myself somewhere else.
“Don’t think you wanna get kicked out again do you?
He goes quiet. My arms are pulled tightly at my sides, as I try keeping my face blank.
“You ain’t nothing but a dirty little street kid without me.” He whispers through his teeth.
My legs almost buckle.
"Don't make it go to waste. Yeah?" He lingers there a moment. Wanting a reaction.
Then, my chin quivers. He notices. And my heart pounds faster.
He looks at me, almost satisfied. Then steps away down the hall to his office.
I inhale and exhale through my nose.
I stand staring at the floor.
I drag my hand across my face.
I feel so— I—
I close my eyes. And exhale again slowly.

Pull it together. It's okay. We're getting it done tonight.
It’ll be fine. Just get it over with.
The closet door still hasn't opened. Jasper's down by the door with his knees pulled to his chest with his face buried.
Everyone's here except Axel. It's getting late and we need to go.
I jog down to the bedroom where the door's cracked open.
Axel's kneeling on the floor with his face soaked, shaking and hugging half his trinket collection in their containers.
He doesn't bother to look at me.
I suck in air.
"We need to go," I sigh.
He winces when I say it.
Then drops his head and shakes it quickly.
I clench my jaw.
"Axel. We're an hour late. We're leaving."
His breathing catches quickly.
I stand there silently watching.
Then footsteps run down the hall and stop at the door.
"Hey, Axel." Mavis says in her usual upbeat voice.
"I'll race you there, yeah?" Her fingers pressing her thumb again.
He sobs without looking up. Her face slightly drops for half a second.
Then she steps into the room with Axel and hooks her arms around his shoulders.
"Come on! It's okay. It'll be over before you know it!" Her voice shakes, just for a second.
He sobs slightly when she lifts him up.
I hear someone shift beside me.
I didn't notice, but Jasper was next to me. Watching, looking exhausted.
"We don't have much time left," I say.
"If you go, you can take my bed so you don't sleep on the mattress!" Mavis says, using her arms to yank him up.
He stands up wobbling a bit, reaching for the end of Mavis's shirt.
He doesn't leave the room. He just grips her shirt, standing next to her quietly.
"Come on, man. We can pretend this is like some weird-ass adventure." Her voice less playful.
He winces again. Like it hurt more than it should've.
Jasper scoffs. Like it hurt him too. He turns and walks away from the door without us.
"This isn't working. Let's go," I snap, my voice low. After that, my teeth grit, realizing my tone.
Mavis looks up from Axel.
Axel immediately wipes his face, walking through the door shaking.
Mavis jogs after him.
She slows down when she gets to me.
"Jerk," she spits out, side-eyeing me.
I freeze a moment. Then shut the door, a little too loud. I don't bother to see if anyone saw though.
I just follow behind them.