Grant Me But One Sole Promise

Once upon a time,
I was a woman alone in my suffering
until light seeped in through the windows
and fun, cheerful times
were ahead of us.

365. 365. 365.
The days and hours spent.
The years that built our palace of memories.

In but an instant, everything came crashing down.

This is a biographical memoir about my best friend and confidant, Isaiah.

She was constantly there in all of my highs and lows.

When I was at a constant impasse with someone, I previously thought my partner.
When I had petty arguments with mutual or surrounding friends.
When I dealt with pain in my unreformed, incompatible, complex kind of ways.

She was there for it. Every single second.

Now
I need to be there
for
her.

I do not know what will come next.
I do not know what God has in store for me.

I do not know what tests, trials, and tribulations I must face.

But before, she was there with me.

Now, not so clearly.

I try to help. Try to say
“it’s okay.
you don’t have to be her.
you don’t need to feel bad.”

But how much truth can I hold here in my
unbelievably rotting heart?

How can I convey this sorrow that I feel so deeply clinging unto my chest?

How do I explore such emotions?

I can start with forgiving. I can start with change. With adapting.

You adapt to the changes of the people you love if you truly care and love them.

But that does not make it any easier.

The march of time moves on, endlessly, impassioned.

and

the sorrow stays with me, unrelenting.

Yet those around me say,

“I’m glad you’re positive about this.”

Does it seem so?

My greatest friend and advisor, the one who understood me and my incomplete self
is now gone.

she has disappeared and her radiant light

has gone with her.

truthfully, I do not know how to experience such a loss.

I cannot compar it to the death of a loved one, at the very least she is breathing.

so then, tell me why, Dear God

why is that I

Cannot help but compare this to the death of a loved one?

why do I feel as though I hover over a grave of rotten memories?

Why can’t I feel… better?

maybe it’s because I have to try.
so please, please, please
I beg of you

Grant me but one sole promise.