‘SEE YOU MORNING’ 165 Emotion and Reason
After a day’s work, when the evening quiets down, there are always some words I want to say to someone.
Letter Two from Sinosteel Compound
October 12, 2021 (Tuesday) 22:47
I hope my emails are neither a disturbance nor a burden to you, no matter what the future holds. I’ll try to include some useful information as much as I can. I forgot to mention last time that my criteria for finding a partner don’t apply to you. Actually, those were from before. I know very well what this era is like, especially the people in it, particularly women. In comparison, women’s prime years come earlier, so they face more utilitarianism and more temptations. The hardest thing is for two like-minded people to meet, especially rare creatures like me. As time passes, I no longer have any expectations. I’m even considering finding an alien female partner.
Not pursuing is normal for me, because I’ve never pursued anyone. One of the reasons is my own conditions. Nowadays, people only care about looks and material things, and even the ability to grovel. You’ve seen my stubborn temper—I’m really not suited to pursuing the opposite sex. I think an ideal partner should be someone who appreciates each other’s character and inner cultivation, or someone who loves without reason and isn’t greedy for more. Such a relationship is easier to maintain and more stable amidst the noise and trials of life. When one side always wants more, one day the other side won’t be able to satisfy them.
I’ve also watched the 1991 Japanese version of “101 Proposals,” and I know there are people who stand in the middle of the road and get hit by cars. You really can’t copy it exactly. TV dramas are just fairy tales for adults. But it’s fine to take some insights from them. Don’t forget they’re commercial products, meant to make a profit, so they cater to the audience and social mood of the time—that’s why girlfriends in TV series are getting more and more domineering. But some people take it seriously because they find it “cool.”
Whether in the East or the West, rulers want to control the public, so brainwashing is normal, but the methods differ. I won’t go into that here. In capitalist societies, Facebook and Twitter, for example, developed by satisfying users’ desire to show off. So people need to step back from time to time and examine themselves from a higher perspective.
Generally speaking, Oscar-winning films have some value, whether artistically or intellectually. That’s why I like watching movies. Also, it’s a way to learn about the outside world.
I have a lot to say but don’t know where to start. Let me tell you a funny story from my real life. There’s a shooting-driving game called Grand Theft Auto, also on PS and PC—maybe you know it. In the game, taking your girlfriend out can restore health. To save time, I always took her to fast food joints. But after a few times, I suddenly noticed she’d become as fat as a ball. I looked up the strategy and had to take her to the gym. Once, I took her home, and when I dropped her at the door, an option popped up: “Ask to go upstairs?” So I asked, and she said no. I turned around, went back to my car, and drove home. Then the automatic cutscene played: I shamelessly followed her upstairs anyway, and she wasn’t angry—she seemed quite happy… I suddenly realized, “So it can be like this?!”
To be honest, I never liked socializing as a child, partly because I thought my peers were childish. Back then, I often talked with adults. I was class monitor in middle school. But when I grew up, I realized that not all adults are sensible either. Looking back on my life, I wish I could give some advice to my younger self, even if he wouldn’t fully understand it.
I hope my words aren’t useless garbage to you. I also hope you won’t easily reject me again. I’ll be mindful of the boundaries. To be honest, I take this seriously. I don’t have much confidence either. Please appreciate the ordinary life. And about that time you turned around at the door and smiled at me, but I gave you a cold stare—I’m really sorry. I just couldn’t do any better then.
Sincerely,
David
A quiet life, her figure no longer swaying before my eyes, no more gazes of other men coveting her. Has this kind of monologue become the new normal?
Letter Three from Sinosteel Compound
October 14, 2021 (Thursday) 18:12
Why do you never reply to my messages? Just as an exchange between two independent minds. It doesn’t mean that if you reply, we’re in a relationship or anything. Are you afraid I’ll lose control and cause consequences? I’m not that fragile.
I just dreamed of you. I’ve dreamed of you before, but those weren’t good memories, so I didn’t try to remember them. This time was very ordinary, but my attitude is much better—sharing it as casual conversation. It started indoors, a hall, like a team-building event. I don’t like noise, so I moved to the edge. There were many men and women, some I didn’t know, some from our side, some from others—it was probably a public entertainment venue. Some performances were going on, and I was watching from the side. Then a girl said, “Where’s the sincerity nowadays?” I heard a voice not far to my left say, “There is, married.” It was your voice. Even though you change your look with makeup, your voice and tone have never changed. I didn’t look in your direction. Even in the dream, I still cared about the physical distance between us. Then suddenly, group dance time started. A lady next to me pulled me to dance. I can’t dance, neither could she. After two turns, I led her off the floor. Why be embarrassed? Better to chat. I asked her where she was from. She said Zhejiang. I said I was from Jiangsu—because I thought of Nanjing (where you transfer trains, strange). Then she went off to dance again. Bored, I decided to leave. As I walked out of the hall, the main gate faced the road from the neighborhood where I grew up. Then I woke up. I thought, why did I have such a dream? Is it a reminder that I should take a more positive attitude, like going to find you? But now thinking about it, it feels a bit like “a hurt child wanting to go home”—a subconscious expression, haha.
After writing down that dream, I fell asleep again and continued dreaming. I was walking on the asphalt road in the neighborhood. You were there, and others. Suddenly, heavy rain. You had an umbrella, but how could I ask you to share it? I ran straight back indoors—it seemed like a classroom. You were the desk in front of me. The board in front wasn’t black but white. You turned around and asked me, “You’re familiar with electronics, right? Apple is everywhere. You should change your rental app on your phone.” So I installed the app on my phone and let you try it. The sound was loud and annoying at first, so I quickly turned it down. When you tried it, you cast the screen to the whiteboard—it looked like a puzzle game. I watched quietly, not saying a word. Happy said something from the side. Then I woke up and realized it was dawn.
About phones—I have many, all second-hand grey market phones. Because apps keep getting larger, as long as I can get basic functionality at a low price, that’s fine. I’m practical. Why live so stressed as a poor kid? Another advantage: the operating system hasn’t been tampered with, less chance of being monitored. With Da Mi Hua Wei, the Android system is modified. Everything online is monitored, both domestically and abroad, so you can’t say whatever you want. The U.S. has the First Amendment, but… you know. Stephanie often says you’re smart, right?
I also have multiple phone numbers. The second one was for a tourist visa application because the first one was used to submit resumes abroad. The third is for work because I need mobile data. Combined monthly rent for the three cards is only 19. If it’s the same price, why not get more? That’s my logic, haha. Also, you can bind many QQ accounts. I only recently started playing Chicken Dinner online games. I have many QQ accounts to show off my wit with different names, haha. I like photography. I wanted to name myself “SLR Emperor” and “PS King”—pretty good, right? But the system didn’t allow it, said it was sensitive. Disgusting, right? No freedom of speech at all. Fine, I had something even more disgusting: I named myself “Shoot No Hit Pain No Pleasure”—it’s a shooting game, so what? Soon I was reported, haha. I also have some creative couple names, like “Uncle’s Last Love Train, Girl’s First Love Dream”; before you, if one can have love, who wouldn’t want it? Also, “No Love for Jerks, No Messing Around; No Unfaithful Women, No Bathing”—then with the avatars of the two guys from the comedy skit, hahaha. It’s just an expression. As for picking up girls online, that era is long gone; what good people would be there? Actually, the work environment is quite suitable for men and women to get to know each other.
In this era, because of the nature of online interaction, individuals can more easily influence the overall direction. Whether from historical prophecies, contemporary time travelers, or the international situation, the past 2020 was a very important year in human history, perhaps the most important. Because Western capital giants and tech elites want to control all of humanity. I believe you’re a smart kid who can learn by analogy. Some things I can’t say explicitly. Of course, this is also a critical period, but 2020 was truly exciting. It was because of my personal health issues that I gradually started paying attention to the world around me. If not for my heart problems, I’d still be striving for self-improvement. Maybe this is my fate. With today’s advanced information transmission, there are many sources of information, like channeling. In ancient times, sacrifices also did it. Now science is studying it, related to brainwaves. It’s now possible to transmit/receive simple images, words, and sounds. So if higher beings are using this method to communicate with humans, that’s not strange. There’s also past-life memory and near-death experiences. Recently, a Japanese girl became very popular because she remembers her past life and can talk to “God”; books and documentaries have been made. And hypnotic regression—it seems the human brain can connect to other information sources in different states.
You can believe this or not. Personally, I have a strong curiosity and like to think outside the box. If it weren’t for being let down by domestic universities, maybe I could have been a scientist. Because before I came across these things, I was already wondering: where do my consciousness and occasional inspirations come from? Are they just electrical signals from brain cells? I also wondered if what I see is real. And from modern physics, Einstein and Bohr had a debate about whether God plays dice. Unfortunately, no book in China clearly explains the physics from 1900 to 2000. That’s not me saying it—it’s Yang Chen-ning. I’ve bought books and looked for materials, trying to understand the development of science, but I can’t form a coherent system in my mind.
A lot of information suggests that humans might indeed have a soul, that consciousness is immortal. Of course, this kind of information can’t spread widely in China—how could the common people be allowed to know they can’t be killed? Haha. If you search, you can find some. From different descriptions, it seems that before reincarnation, souls can choose. Some choose harder lives to accelerate their growth—essentially to exercise problem-solving skills and willpower. Usually, lower-level souls take courses like self-improvement. By “low” and “high” I don’t mean any hierarchy. It’s just that some self-awareness forms earlier or later, and growth is a process all souls go through. Some souls, already graduated, volunteer to come back to help others. Others come to influence the course of human history. But no matter why they come, generally being born on Earth means having previous memories erased. Illness, pain, certain stimuli are often used to awaken those erased memories. These events are also called catalysts.
^_^! Is this how you pick up girls?!! Making yourself out to be a god? Actually, I just want to help others. You are one of them, but you’re very special to me. I never thought I had to possess you. It’s like giving a Rolls-Royce to a poor kid—he wouldn’t know how to maintain it. Though that’s not quite apt. But frankly, I can’t help but imagine over and over what our wedding would look like. (I need to get food and work now.)
But don’t feel burdened by this. I’ve let go of gains and losses, and cherish the present. Even though I don’t insist on possessing you, I can still be very jealous. Maybe this is a weakness of mine, or a lesson I need to overcome. But I’m human. Where is perfection? Perfection in one aspect is imperfection in another. Is fate demanding that I live like a god? That’s too hard.
The past 2020 set the general direction for world development. I can’t control the details, and it’s not my place to. I thought I had already fulfilled most of my life’s mission, the rest being my children. But now it seems fate hasn’t let me off. Male-female relationships are the lesson I’ve been avoiding. But compared to all of humanity, romantic attachments count for little. So I kept skipping class, trying to cheat my way through life. But once wasn’t enough, twice wasn’t enough; fate kept raising the stakes. I’m not being super narcissistic by saying this. Everyone experiences it, but they might not realize it. Let me explain why I feel this way. I once told Sapphire: how can you keep salary confidential when scanned employment contracts are in a shared folder? I certainly didn’t say I read yours too. At first, I was just curious about local salary levels, but a woman’s age is also a hot topic, right? So I noticed your ID number. When I saw it, my first thought was, “Is this God sending someone to encourage me to run for president?!!” Otherwise, I really wouldn’t need to have a beautiful wife. Honestly, life is very hard for me, but I can handle it alone. I can persevere. But to put me in the lowest valley of my life, in that state of health, and then assign me that kind of mission—I truly have no strength left. The motivation that drives me forward as a man has long been worn away. To reach higher goals, I really need the encouragement of a beloved. Maybe that’s the meaning of God creating men and women. April 7 is my ex-wife’s birthday, and also the birthday of the first person I was introduced to—who might have worked out but didn’t because of my own choice. It’s as if fate is afraid I won’t know who my wife is—it’s all 4,7,4,7,4,7.
Sometimes I reflect: if I could go back to the past, could I have done better? I think probably not. The me of that time, and the environment around me, led to that outcome. If the current me went back, maybe the result would be different. My ex-wife’s mental maturity was like Lila’s—she wouldn’t listen to my good advice, but was easily influenced by her environment, forming pressure. Christian mentioned pressure in a recent motivational post, didn’t he? That’s another reason I’m reluctant to handle relationships: there are factors beyond my control. Although the failure was partly her fault, it was also partly mine. Maybe that’s why I’ve come back—I don’t want to abandon them. But what I’ve done clearly wrongs her in this life. Yet maybe it’s fate: her departure was to shape me into who I am today. For the greater good of humanity, I’ll have to repay personal debts in the future. Uh uh uh uh uh uh, I’m doing it again…
I’ll stop here for today. But after today’s work, I feel like you all teamed up to test me, the naive kid, didn’t you? Christian gave me the wrong formula to use and didn’t tell me; first you seduced me, then you ignored me. Since you’re all smart people, your method of testing me isn’t too stupid. I won’t hold it against you.
Sincerely,
David