‘SEE YOU MORNING’ 164 Kill Your Tenderness

‘SEE YOU MORNING’ 164 Kill Your Tenderness

Pushing open the heavy transparent glass door, Lin Yuhui stepped into this engineering company, a cooperative enterprise based in Dalian. The office was as spacious as a large conference room or a university lecture hall, filled with many young people.

Lin Yuhui was stationed here to work for the time being. He walked toward the three empty seats in the last row, yet he dared not glance in that direction.

Just then, a cleaning staff mopped the floor over here and spoke to him.

“The person who sat here has left.”

Lin Yuhui finally turned to look that way. He knew the words referred to Cerise. He wondered why she had resigned and gone away. He glanced out through the glass door at the bright sunshine and green trees on the street outside, silently wishing her a promising future.

But as he opened his eyes and returned to reality from the dream, Lin Yuhui knew clearly that the restless thoughts in his heart had not faded completely.

He had to do something to make that foolish part of himself see the true face of the world, so he would have no regrets in the days to come. So he began to write an email and sent it to Cerise.

A Love Letter from Sinosteel Compound No.1
Saturday, October 9, 2021, 15:02

I’m sorry, but I still have words to say to you. Deep down, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I keep them unspoken. I have always communicated with you with complete sincerity, yet you never reveal your true feelings. Perhaps I am not worthy of your trust? Am I unqualified? Or am I just overthinking everything?

I just want to ask you: years from now, when you look back on your life, what will you do if you find you took a path against your original heart simply because you lacked the courage to speak your mind? How will you face yourself then?

I understand love and hatred all come with reasons, and I know making a decision is extremely hard for you. I will not press you nor blame you. As an old saying goes, a man fears choosing the wrong career, while a woman fears marrying the wrong person. Still, I believe you remember that fleeting moment between us, a beautiful instant. It was the only time both of us expressed our true feelings without restraint, pretense or distortion.

I could only regain my true self after returning to my peaceful daily life. In a sense, you are right. There is something twisted about me. If the world itself is normal, then I am the abnormal one. Given my physical condition, I once thought I had fulfilled all my life’s missions and lessons, with no more extravagant wishes left. My only remaining duty was to live as long as I could and not leave my children too soon.

Yet fate had more plans for me, bringing you into my life. I would never have dared to imagine all this if Lila had not meddled in things. I am not the kind of person who plays ambiguous games, for I must take responsibility for all my actions. Before I posted that moment on WeChat Moments, I had even resolved to leave my children behind and stay with you. All I needed was one small step from you, a sign that I meant something in your life, but I never saw it.

I had intended to talk to you that Friday, but seeing the state you were in, what could I possibly say? A young woman staying out all night, worn out to the bone — how was I supposed to interpret that? To be honest, you are not my usual type. I admit you are beautiful, yet our lifestyles and outlooks set us apart.

Even so, I cannot resist the look in your eyes. I keep wondering if it is just my illusion, or if you use that gaze to charm every man around you. Behind those eyes lies a soul that seems to share karmic ties with me across lifetimes, far beyond mere familiarity. I once told you to look me in the eyes when we talked, because I was always trying to find answers in your gaze.

Life is full of unexpected drama. That weekend, I happened to watch the 2009 movie Chloe. It was a graceful and pure film. I could not help but wonder if it was a sign from heaven. I can let go of your past. All I ask is that you take our time together seriously. What I cannot accept is you basking in my attention by day and going on blind dates with other men after work. That is not who I am.

Later, when I confessed my feelings again, you brushed me off with just a simple “don’t do this”. What else was I supposed to make of it? I am not the sort to pester others relentlessly; I have my principles and boundaries. Is shameless persistence what you value? Afterwards, you and Sapphire kept making sly remarks and taunting me. I truly could not figure out what you were trying to do. You had just turned me down, yet you acted in such a provocative way. Did you think that was right? You never communicate with me directly. Maybe I am not worth your effort. But problems between two people can only be solved through sincere conversation, sharing feelings and mutual understanding — and even that only offers a slim chance of working out. Life is never simple, and you will learn that with time.

I misunderstood part of your later WeChat message. You quickly changed the subject when Lila was mentioned, and I jumped to wrong conclusions as well. If you really had such a mischievous side, all I could do was warn you not to take reckless risks. A few days later, I saw the news report about a female subordinate whose body was hidden in a suitcase. The world is harsh and realistic, and every action brings its consequences.

Lila said you fell into despair after our falling-out. I was desperate too. You and your friends kept talking endlessly about blind dates and potential partners, and your words and gestures seemed designed to draw every man’s notice. You have every right to enjoy being the center of attention, but leave me out of it. I will never join a crowd of men to compete for you. What would be the point?

Let me use an example from the canteen of Sinosteel, when people pick apples. Some take one and leave right away. Others pick one, glance back at the basket, feel unsatisfied, put it down, rummage around again and finally take another one. Do you think the second person is ever truly content with the apple in their hand? Never. He will not be satisfied until he has the whole basket. Is choosing a partner so different? Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If you always compare and switch whenever something seems lacking, where does it end? That is why I will never line up for such a game. A relationship built on one-sided affection can never last. As for those who cheer on hopeless pursuits, do they act out of genuine care? They are just here to take advantage and make idle jokes.

I have also seen kind people trying to bring others together, such as Stephanie and Christian. One day, Stephanie and Dylan talked about Nick, saying he was divorced with a child and wondering what kind of partner he was looking for. Their words sounded just like they were talking about me. I know she meant well, but I am quite reserved and particular. My standards are simple: one must be pure of heart or loyal in love. If I cannot find such a person, I would rather stay single than be dragged down by the wrong company. Back then, I felt utterly helpless facing you. When you were upset with me, did you know how many nights I lay awake or woke up from troubled dreams, all because of you? You are only twenty-five, while I am already forty-five with a weak heart. I suffer too. Are we meant to compete over who has it worse? Two people who stay together ought to cherish each other, not hurt one another.

Now I have regained my peace. I no longer want to hear or see anything related to you. Though I still think of you often against my will, that is no reason for me to disturb you again. The reason is simple, just as I said before: I hope you listen to your inner voice and ask yourself what you truly want.

If all this is just my one-sided infatuation, it is fine. At least I still have the capacity to love and the courage to speak my heart, and the outcome matters little. If you are still hesitating, I will not push you. I do not ask for an official relationship, nor do I hold out hope for a happy ending. Separated by distance, I will no longer grow jealous over you, nor fear that my sudden passing would affect you. Would you like to be online friends with me? I have no online friends, and barely any friends at all. Apart from my children, you are the only person I am willing to share my deepest thoughts with. Is such a friendship worth having?

No one in this world will wait for another forever. Everyone faces an end, whether it is the death of the body or the death of the heart. I know Christian has been trying his best. He is a good man, though he has occasional fits of temper. Among all the inspirational quotes he shared about us, these words haunt me the most:

Inhale the future without any expectation.
Hold the present and Exhale the past without regret.

I could not calm down and live a life without regrets unless I speak out all these words and learn your true thoughts. Life is short, and we keep learning and growing along the way. May both of us live up to ourselves. If I am not the one for you, please spend more time with your family. Time with loved ones is limited, and moments on social media are fleeting.

Appendix: David’s Quotes
Young lovers bond over looks and words,
Middle-aged lovers seek wealth and desire;
Elderly lovers dwell on bygone years,
Lovers with an age gap share a bond across different worlds.

I hope you will not share our private conversations with others, though I will not stop you if you choose to do so. I am mentally strong enough to care little about what others think, for I only do what I believe is right. Still, please consider other people’s feelings. Lila is also single. There is no need to hurt her feelings. If things work out between us, she will have been our matchmaker after all. Everyone comes to this world with their own lessons to learn. She is less mature than you, so as an elder sister, please look after her.