Burning

I woke around noon the following morning with a thick layer of sweat clinging to my body.

The peak of summer humidity was upon us, and for the most blinding of moments, I opened my eyes to a world that still held Harvi’s warmth. As my vision adjusted, I rubbed the joy from my face along with the remainder of my dreamless sleep. The hole inside my heart spasmed and reality settled back into view.

“Morning.” Dae boomed from the front, “Decided to join us, then?”

The almost jovial sound in his tone surprised me.

“Sorry,” I say, voice flat.

“You worked like ten men competing for three whores,” his laugh was deep, hearty.
Cara’dina slapped his arm, hard, but I think that’s what playful looked like to her.

“Oh, now you understand?” He chides her before returning his attention to me. “Payment is in the sack.”

For a moment he paused.

“Jaro, you have the gratitude of every merchant, trader, and swordsman here.”

“I just dug some holes.”

“An’ fill others,” Cara’dina said, smiling.

After a curt, uncomfortable nod from Dae, Cara rested her head on his shoulder and they left me be. I glanced over at the tightly tied coin purse resting next to my shovel and grabbed it. Pain seared through my palms. I turned them over to reveal swollen blisters, some had drained partially in the night, and a few scabs had begun to form. Picking at the strings on the purse, I finally managed to get it open. Inside were five gold coins, heavy and newly cast.

It is important to understand that I came from a fishing town, from a long line of wheat and tobacco farmers who weren’t even well off enough to become fishermen themselves, boat pricing and net maintenance being what they were. And fishermen weren’t that well off to begin with. So, it was only the second time I’d even seen that much money in a single place. Except for a time when a certain traveling band of minstrels and feather-ladies graced uncle Ornn’s inn for a week, two summers back.

While I was sure they were overpaying me, I didn’t bother to say anything. No words of thanks. Not even a protest to return some of it. The truth was, after my shock had faded, I remembered how little it mattered. My first thought at seeing the glint had been, I can’t wait to tell Harvi. She had always been the one I told everything to, the moment after it happened, since we were old enough to say anything other than “ahn!” Part of me believed that I was that for her, too. I needed to believe it now.

Should I tell it to the dirt?

Really, I was asking myself that question. Should I go home? Can I still go home? Anyone with any bit of common sense would say yes, that I should run home, throw myself into work and family. That, if I worked hard enough, for long enough, the pain of her absence would fade. That’s how it always seems to happen. With enough time, the sting fades and the hole inside fills partially, even if it never feels quite right again. I knew that. I wasn’t bright, no, but I knew that. And I could see Harvi, when I wanted to, despite the way that had changed. Nobody looks twice at a widower speaking to the dead. They would accept me and mourn with me, that made me fortunate, right?

I sighed as I thought about it harder. The one or many responsible for Harvi’s death could still be there. I had to recognize that, while horrible, it was likely that someone she knew had done this. Someone close to her. To us. The thought of that made me sick, dizzy. I didn’t care if I was next, so it wasn’t that sort of fear holding me in the carriage, but it was a kind of fear, a distant cousin. A great loneliness, or disappointment? No, that wasn’t the right word. Something closer to betrayal sounded right.

Either way, returning to a place where she rotted in the ground, all the while knowing her killer watched me, filled me with intense heat. Starting in my face and leaking into my chest, I felt it spread. Then, the hole began to fill. The empty place, the hollow part, it filled with this heat, this searing something, and the pain lessened.

I stopped thinking of home, of Harvi, and I let the furnace in my chest blaze. There was nowhere else to put it, no one to silence, no clues to chase down, so it sat there, seeping into every last tissue. Every bone. Until I was complete with it.