The Song of Your Conditional Love

When I asked my mom to interpret this song for me, she held a different view than I did. At first, I thought she didn't understand, for she belonged in a different generation and did not appreciate most of the songs in our playlist. But surprisingly, she was much more accurate than I had been in deciphering its meaning.

"Come closer, I'll give you all my love. If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything."

I blasted, repeating to myself the insight I just gained. The key message wasn't in the falling in love part; after all, I wasn't as special for you as I once thought. These lyrics which contained your affections at that time, held a much deeper secret.

My parents thought they knew us. In their eyes, we were a typical bickering couple entangled in a puppy love, the type one will forget within a few months time.

I never knew how it was for you, but I assume I got it way worse. I still write about you even after all these years.

I remember you told me that you like me because I was different. Not flirty, not casual. Just plain serious and boring. You wanted to try my type.

And you? You were alright. A little cute and a crybaby. Totally not someone I was hoping to fall for. But I did. I liked you.

I liked you to the point that I put up with your shenanigans, I persevered and held onto our relationship despite your many tests, and finally, in one leap of courage and hope, I transformed myself to become someone who'll nurture you. Someone who could set aside her own pain and bottled-up trauma, in order to color your world.

And I had been successful. I was able to lift up your veil in order to see you clearly.

Why? I ask you. What is it that I lack?

Why leave it as that? Why leave me as soon as I glimpsed the real you?

You need not be afraid anymore. I was there. I was there for you. I did everything to be there for you.

"That's enough," you told me once. "You make me the happiest," you added.

And yet it did not add up. If I was enough, why did you leave? If I made you the happiest, why couldn't you include me in your future?

I thought and thought and yet I couldn't find an answer.