Ch 20: Gazing Into the Abyss

~
(David)

My daily torture is worsening. I’m sleeping only two or three hours at a time. Every time I sleep, I’m awakened by burning electric shocks. I feel the electric current at all times now to some degree. The worst of the sensations are concentrated in my heart and my forehead. Sometimes when the sensations are light, there is a mild tingling on the surface of my skin in random areas of my body. But sometimes this light tingling accompanies the very worst burning electric sensations. I can’t explain why it works the way it does.

I went to the med clinic one last time and they confirmed everything is normal physically. I’ve decided to stop consulting doctors before they have a chance to classify me as a psychiatric case. But I have to admit it’s hard not to become enraged sometimes when I’m awakened just as I start to dream. I don’t mention the moments of rage to the doctors.

I’ve taken to leaving my apartment every afternoon, dressed as if I’m going for exercise. I take the pod out to a nearby park and lose myself in the trees, and I lie down and sleep there. The shocks don’t happen when I’m outdoors. I can feel the relief of being electrically grounded to the earth. Even if I’m seen napping in the park, it doesn’t look too strange. As long as I’m dressed and groomed neatly, I just look like someone out enjoying nature, maybe fell asleep reading, lying in the grass. I’ve figured out that you can go about all the errands of your day wearing exercise gear and you look normal, like someone who’s on his way out for a walk or a run. This lets me spend many hours out of my apartment to get a break from the torture. But when I’m outdoors I’m not getting anything done. I have to submit myself to the torture in order to do my work. My goal is not simply to survive.

Yesterday I was in the park, sleeping. It was late afternoon. I was awakened by the voices of a group of young men, they were close by, talking loudly. I heard them one of say “Stomp his fucking head…” and another guy laughed and said “Oh it’s the professor, smash his fucking face.” I heard another one say “Yeah, just knock him out, fuck him up.” I looked over at them and they were standing around a park bench, talking loudly in this threatening way and laughing. There were five of them. They were young, maybe eighteen or nineteen. The way they were acting struck me as a performative display of menace and danger. But they weren’t looking at me or addressing me. I’m not totally sure why, but I got up and walked directly toward them, walking straight and confident, not too fast, looking right at one of them. I was not threatening or acting like I wanted to fight or something, I just walked up to them and calmly sat down on the bench right in their midst, and just sat there and looked around calmly, but seriously. They stopped talking and stood there looking at each other for a minute. One of them texted on his comms and said to the others, “Come on, let’s go.” And they left. How did I know they would not directly threaten me or attack me? I don’t know. I also know that it probably won’t happen again.

Every night and every morning I’m researching everything I can find about every conspiracy theory on the Unofficial Records forums. I post on the forums using my complete name, and I engage people in discussion and argument. I debunk their theories as thoroughly as I can, often flaunting my qualifications and belittling the other comments. I often urge the other commenters to seek spiritual help from their Prophet. After these exchanges I write a brief essay about the day’s research and discussions, slowly forming the outline of a manuscript. I have to make sure the manuscript is good enough to look like a legitimate effort at something I intend to publish.

Some of the theories I encounter are obviously kooky. Some are frankly funny, and some are more interesting. I can see why people consume this material as entertainment. The planet Mars used to be just like Earth before a great nuclear war that happened there. The Earth is flat. We live in a computer simulation. Celebrities are multiple clones of themselves, or they are time travellers.

One elaborate and honestly entertaining, yet sad, story is put forward by only one person. He claims that when he sleeps, an elite class of people are able to transport his consciousness, in a kind of involuntary astral projection, into a “cloning centre” that has a “torture arena” where his mind is transferred into a cloned body and he is physically tortured in the cloned body with all the senses working, and eventually he is ripped to shreds by various means such as swords or other stabbing weapons, or he is shot or blown up or devoured by animals, purely for the entertainment of the audience which happens to consist of well-known celebrities. This happens to the poor guy almost every night. He seems quite serious about this concept but he says he doesn’t expect anyone to believe him and just wants to tell people about it. I could not bring myself to mock him or aggressively challenge him. I discussed it all with him. I did my best to meet him on his level, interacting with him in a serious and respectful way, and I urged him in all seriousness to seek help in the form of psychological or spiritual counselling.

There’s another elaborate theory I found, this time in the “The Shunned” threads that periodically pop up and are soon deleted. This theory has a small but robust cult-like following. I think the followers like it because of its grand scope and complexity. It holds that the entire world is closely controlled by a secret, tiny cabal of unknown people who orchestrate all world events. Several variations of this theory have spawned in the regular Unofficial Records threads, contending that these mysterious people are simply wealthy elite families, or in more extreme versions they are members of a heretical cult, or they are demons, or shape-shifting inter-dimensional reptilians, or space aliens who’ve been running the planet for centuries. Some threads discuss well-known historical figures who are said to have been members of this cabal.

I’ve thoroughly debunked this theory by providing a painstakingly detailed outline of the government structure and known government personnel in each superstate, with their historical family and national origins, and listing all the major issues the three states have disagreed and fought about in the past two hundred years. I’ve described the various ways the elite families of the world, even within a given superstate, have competed with each other, sometimes stolen from and cheated each other, politically or even physically fought and sometimes destroyed each other in their various feuds over wealth and power. I also listed the numbers of people who have been killed in military conflicts among the three states, carefully noting the significant numbers of deaths of members of the Leader class. I’ve challenged the conspiracy theorists to explain to me exactly how these mysterious “cabal” people could have been play-acting all of these events and wars and things, which, very obviously, have unfolded organically and spontaneously throughout history, with no evidence of elaborate advance planning. I’ve also explained the vast differences in the totally incompatible religions practised in each superstate (although it must be admitted that the backward, likely pagan religious systems in the Trans-Eurasian Federation and the East Asian Commonwealth are not well understood here in Anglo-America). It was easy but tedious work to write my lengthy rebuttal. I’m sure it will be one of the best chapters of my manuscript.

I’ve been searching for weeks now, through increasing torture, with no sense that I might find something resembling what I’m really, secretly looking for.

Until today. Maybe I’ve found something, just maybe.

Just a few minutes ago I opened a new pop-up thread from The Shunned. It contains a very long piece of writing by an individual calling himself “JFoxe”. I’m reading it now. At first I absorbed the whole document at a glance, but now I’m reading it the old-fashioned way, with my neurotech disengaged.

It’s a slog reading it this way. It’s a long and tedious read. But fortunately that’s what I do for a living. Or it’s what I used to do.

I feel compelled to linger with care over every turn of phrase. Every utterly psychotic, rambling, disordered turn of phrase.

The piece seems to have a number of sections, each of which is a dense block of text with scant attention paid to niceties like paragraph breaks, sometimes even skipping punctuation or capitalization. Each section has a heading:

Conspiracy Fact #228 – Big Data Breach False Flag Attack
Conspiracy Fact #118 – Flying Invisible Cameras Everywhere
Conspiracy Fact #321 – MKULTRA: CIA and Medical Orgs Experimented on Humans
Conspiracy Fact #186 – Pharma, Chemical, Tobacco Companies Hid Dangerous Effects
Conspiracy Fact #276 – Operation Northwood- Govt Planned Domestic False Flag Terror Attacks
Conspiracy Fact # 93 – Interdimensional Shapeshifting Reptilians Run the World
Conspiracy Fact #315 – Tuskegee Syphilis Study: Human Experimentation on Black Men
Conspiracy Fact # 82 – Earth is Flat
Conspiracy Fact #131 – Deep Underground UFO Bases in Antarctica
Conspiracy Fact # 22 – “Social Media” Literally Created By “Total Info Awareness” Program of Intel Agencies
Conspiracy Fact #204 – UFOs are Demons
Conspiracy Fact # 68 – Operation Mockingbird: Intel Agencies’ Infiltration of All News/Entertainment
Conspiracy Fact #163 – Space is Fake
Conspiracy Fact # 98 – Military Sprayed Bio-Chemical Weapons In San Fran and NY City
Conspiracy Fact #382 – Operation Paperclip – WWII War Criminals Recruited As US Scientists
Conspiracy Fact #367 – COINTELPRO: Disruption of Domestic Dissident Political Groups
Conspiracy Fact # 83 – Snowden Revelations: NSA Domestic Total Surveillance
Conspiracy Fact #295 – Govt Repeatedly Armed, Funded “Rebels” Who Later Became “Terrorists”

The numbers seem to be a kind of dig at people who don’t appreciate just how many “conspiracy facts” there are. It gives the appearance that these are merely examples pulled out of apparently many hundreds of “conspiracy facts”.

The piece starts with “Conspiracy Fact #228, which advances a theory I now recognize as a kind of classic conspiracy trope. It alleges that the “Big Data Breach” that occurred a decade ago was a self-inflicted “false flag attack” by the Anglo-American Federation, secretly intended to allow ever increasing security clampdowns aimed at the domestic population, and to allow greater opportunities to expand an increasingly “conventional” style of warfare less dependent on autonomous and information weapons, and more dependent on missiles, tanks, army soldiers, land invasions and so on.

A couple of the other “Conspiracy Facts” are somewhat interesting, but the remainder devolve into nonsense like aliens and secret underground bases in Antarctica, and what appear to be the increasingly desperate, paranoid, angry rantings of a lunatic. There are some stretches of text that seem to be have been taken from novels, news articles, and even some random materials such as an instruction manual for some kind of construction equipment. Throughout the various sections the text urges the reader to “open your mind” and “connect the dots” and “look at the facts” to see how all of this information works together to form a complete answer to something.

All of this is interesting only because in the stretches that appear to be original writing, I’m getting that sense I get when working on the Prophecies, when I’m about to get some meaning out of it. I’ll have to do my usual three readings and see what I feel about it.

I’m so tired though. It’s getting harder to concentrate. My eyes aren’t focusing properly. My right eye goes foggy and I get double-ghost images in my vision when I’m tired. I’m more than just tired. I fear that my mind is being damaged by the sleep deprivation. I’m losing sharpness. I’m seriously considering the risk that I could start to find all of these conspiracy theories increasingly plausible. I’m reminded about the ancient heretic Nietzche’s line about fighting with monsters: “if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

I’ve spent two weeks posting on the forums, calling out this “JFoxe” with no response. I’ve carefully debunked his “false flag” theory about the Big Data Breach, emphasizing, among other things, how badly it hurt the economic and military interests of Anglo-America all the way up to the Leader class. A few Leaders even took the fall for mistakes that were made and ended up shunned, or worse. And of course I continue to mercilessly mock the parts about aliens and whatnot.

I’ve seen no response, despite my taunting and mocking of his theories. I want to know if his manifesto is only a fragment of something larger and I’ve openly challenged him to post the rest of it so I can debunk it. Yesterday I started urging him to seek spiritual counsel from his Prophet, to see if that would get a response.

And now I’m looking at a response. He’s popped in to the forum only to say:

“Just replying to acknowledge the humour in your last comment. There’s always more truth to expose. I hoped this would be enough but it’s too hard for people to understand. Any chance to spread the truth is lost. I don’t expect you to get it since you’re no one special, are you? Other than being obviously Reptilian. And by the way, Officer Lizard, you can’t purge it from the feed like other info. It’s not just sitting on some server, I pushed it to the Mesh, decentralized in a millions chunks with a SIG ident straight to the doc, bit-perfect. And I’ve already shared it everywhere, it’s pinned across multiple unreg nodes who don’t know me and I don’t know them. Now go fuck yourself, lizard. -JF”

The response is actually less schizophrenic than I feared it might be. Not a friendly tone, but not exactly discouraging me. Interesting. I still have a feeling about it.

I look back at the link that was provided along with the JFoxe text in the forums, and sure enough I see that it’s on a MESH system with a SIG identifier in the link.

In my work, I rarely go straight to the end of a piece of Prophetic writing or speech to see the conclusion, because in my opinion the meaning is most accurately discerned once one has read the entire piece in its full context, in the order in which it was intended to be read. Pieces of text must never be taken out of context lest one’s own biases insert meaning that is not really there. My endeavour is to bring out of the text what is there, and not to thrust in what I think might be there. I try to allow the text to speak for itself, even if it challenges my ideas rather than confirming them.

But I’ve already absorbed this piece once with my neurotech engaged, and this JFoxe intrigues me. And right now I feel strongly compelled to scroll to the end and look at the last lines where I saw some kind of closing phrase or valediction.

I look at the end of the text. After the conspiratorial ravings abruptly end, this appears:

Dear reader, listen to the Eleventh Angel of Truth and Purity; if silence falls, call the Seventh Angel; if that too is mute, seek the Fourth, failing which the Second. God’s good Angels have deeper knowledge of each dark Conspiracy, because from God nothing is hidden.

And then one last paragraph says:

Using this simple knowledge, everyone can tell the horrible and evil truth. Pity the reader who out of temerity doesn’t even seek, summon and trust the Almighty. Seek truth and inform the oblivious masses now. -Angel2/31

What am I looking at? Those numbers in the first part, then that second part, a slightly odd syntax, followed by “Angel 2/31”.

I’m staring at it and letting my mind go where it wants. There is something familiar here. But I’m micro-sleeping as I think. I feel the electric current rising and it’s the burning kind in my chest and in my head. It feels like a small flame is physically burning my brain, but my brain can’t itself register pain, so it’s just a horrible cold burning feeling. The familiar, sickening feeling of being injured on the inside. I get up and stumble over to my bed, first grabbing my tablet in the expectation that I might not sleep. I crawl onto my bed.

Please God I’m declaring my authority now

You will make me sleep now

But I’m looking at my tablet, at this ending valediction to the manifesto, as the room mercifully begins to fade. God make me sleep.

I’m startled awake by the sound of my tablet clattering on the floor. I’ve dropped it. But waking in this manner has allowed me to perceive an answer that somehow formed in my mind in my hypnagogic state. Perhaps my long experience in finding otherwise unnoticed structure and content in mystical writing has provided insight, but it’s a pre-logical connection I can’t explain in this moment.

I have recognized a possible source of at least the style or genre of the reference “Angel2/31”. It makes me think of something I have learned about in the past, but I can’t quite recall.

I have to commit this dreamy impression to hard memory before it fades and I fall asleep, God obeying. But I feel I’m entering into a realm of information that must not be written down or even spoken, perhaps not even thought. Reluctantly, though desiring nothing in the world more than sleep, I open my eyes wide, shake my head and force myself to wait for my mind and body to become completely awake. I have to remember this idea. I think through each thought slowly and deliberately, and think of why I need to remember it.

That name or reference, “Angel2/31”. The second of thirty-one spirits. See the Black Abbott text, can’t recall his real name right now. The Black Abbott. I have a feeling JFoxe will confirm it.