Ch 17: Grounded
~
(Tori)
I can’t stop thinking about everything that’s happened. When I got evicted, the reason they gave was obviously fake. I’ve been freaked out and scared about the whole situation. But more and more, I just feel angry. The building manager’s attitude was just like Mara at work. Treating me like I’m some kind of criminal, but they won’t say why. What the fuck is that? They won’t say what I did to make them hate me.
Just when I almost had a friend in Mara, suddenly she won’t talk to me. It almost seems like she’s afraid of me.
It feels so scary to be totally alone like this. I’m thinking about this, like, right now there’s not one person in the entire world who I could just send a text just saying hey what’s up. Anyone would think like, why the fuck is this person weirdly contacting me? They’d ignore me or just tell me to fuck off. Except for Ickle, I could say hi to him, but he’d just be expecting another blowjob.
I’m thinking about what this literally feels like. No one, anywhere, in the whole world, you can send a text to. I’m in the middle of the ocean hanging on to a life preserver, a thousand clicks from anywhere. Big ocean waves are throwing me up and down which is scary. But I’m not drowning. I can scream all I want. There is no hope of being heard. All I can do is hang on and wait for someone to come along and see me.
If someone really knew and understood this situation, they would be here and they would help me. But there’s no way to make someone understand this. I’m alone. Even at work i can’t talk to anyone.
But now, wait – this is crazy. Am I dreaming?
I’m sitting on the floor looking around at my new apartment. It’s so clean, there’s more space, it all looks brand new. The walls look freshly painted white, and they’re like this thick solid concrete. It’s quiet in here. The floor is polished concrete. The window is way bigger than my old apartment and there’s so much light coming in. Outside is my new neighbourhood. The manager here told me this apartment hasn’t been occupied for a while and it’s newly renovated. It’s so solid and clean and quiet. It smells new in here. There’s a brand‑new workstation in the corner, a newer style, super ergonomic desk setup and the updated holo‑panel like the ones I’ve seen people using on the feed. The kitchen has modern appliances, a bigger refrigerator, brand new cooking surface. What the fuck, I can actually cook here? I’m laughing. I could have friends over and cook them dinner. And the bedroom has a nice soft bed with brand new bedding, big pillows, nice duvet. And the bathroom. Oh my God the shower, it’s so nice, and the lighting around the mirror is that perfect kind of lighting like in a hotel, where you look at yourself and you’re like, hey I look pretty good!
I can’t believe the Holy Living Residential Council assigned me a place like this.
I feel a bit stupid for assuming the worst.
But then realistically, I know what got me this place. It was my meeting with Prophet Ickle. More specifically it was the time spent on my knees in the meeting with Prophet Ickle. But I don’t want to think about that. It’s fucking sickening, I’m feeling fucking sick about it, I’m ashamed.
Oh my God I’m so embarrassed. Tears are pouring out. What I did. I’m so embarrassed, fuck fuck fuck. I’m so embarrassed. Oh my God what did I do?
No one knows though, other than him.
Tori! Chill the fuck out girl. It’s in the past, it’ll never happen again, forget it. Be positive now. You deserve this. There’s an opportunity to be happy here and start having fun again. When I go to work, they’ll see this happiness in me and they’ll come around. That’s all that’s gonna happen now. Simple.
I’ve been puttering around my new apartment just looking at it, and it’s getting to be evening now and I’m really tired. I still need to catch up on sleep.
So now I’m in my amazing new soft bed. Clean new sheets and I’m under this blanket and duvet…that perfect bed feeling where it’s cool and warm at the same time. I feel my feet so warm and perfect. I’m wiggling my toes. It’s so quiet here, so calm, and so quiet, I’m sleepy, I should turn the light off…
…I open my eyes and it’s already Sunday morning. It’s that amazing feeling where you realize you just slept for like nine hours straight without waking up. I stretch and look around, yep, this is real life, my new apartment, it wasn’t a hallucination. I feel a spark of optimism bubbling inside me. I get out of bed, get some coffee and gaze out my window. Holy shit, I can see a little park down by the waterfront. People are out walking or just sitting in the morning sun. I should get out there right away.
I head over to my workstation to spend a few minutes organizing some files and notes for tomorrow.
So I’m just looking over my notes, and I look at the clock and two hours have passed, and I remember that I fucking love my job. I literally do it for fun. It’s a job for smart crazy fucks like me. And it pays me enough to live in this fucking primo apartment. I’m so lucky. Fuck this, I’m posting this out.
I snap some pics with my handheld and post it out with a super primal comment “New apt yesss LET’S GO!!!!!”
In the afternoon I walk out into the new neighbourhood. This street is alive with people yet calm and quiet. Food stalls and gift shops where people are buying lunch, walking, eating, laughing. I spend some credits I can’t exactly afford and buy a bowl of noodles and a bottle of water and sit on the grass in the park and watch people walking by. Good noodles. I’ll get fat if eat too much of this. Who cares.
I happily waste the afternoon.
The sunshine and fresh air and food are making me tired again. I can’t wait to get to bed early again tonight. I pick myself up off the grass. I’m heading back there right now.
…now I’m at work, in the briefing room. Sitting with a couple of colleagues and we’re laughing and joking and one of them asks how my weekend was so I tell them I got this amazing new apartment and they congratulate me and they want to come over and see it. They’re inviting me to go for coffee after our shift so I say yes of course, and I’m so happy inside because I’m making friends again. Suddenly there’s a loud bang that echoes through the room. The lights flicker. I blink, trying to focus. I realize I’m half‑awake.
Oh shit, I was dreaming. I drift back to sleep and right back into the dream, bullshitting with my new friends…but another sharp bang jolts me awake again.
I open my eyes and I’m really awake now. I’m not sure what that noise was, or did I dream it? I’m so tired…this bed is so nice…I drift off again and BANG.
I know now that the banging is coming from the ceiling above me. Sit up, listen, nothing else happens. I get out of bed and stand up. The clock says 03:30. I feel a flood of cold anxiety. Is this the next nightmare? I feel panicked about getting enough sleep so I can be fresh tomorrow at work. I climb back into bed, pull the covers up, and lie still. My mind is racing, but after a good 90 minutes I’m finally getting sleepy again and I’m drifting off…
My alarm goes off.
I sit up and stretch.
This is not the time to worry. Get up, get ready for work, remember how great it is to have this new apartment. Go to work and just do your best. Don’t worry, Tori.
I shower, get dressed, grab my tablet and bag, and head out the door.
I arrive at work early and slide into my workstation.
My comms chime. It’s Senior Commander Briggs. “Tori, can I see you for a minute? Right now please. It’s important.”
I’m thinking: No. Please, no. I’m too fucking tired for this.
“Yes sir, be right over.”
On the way over I stop in the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. In the stall I bend forward, all the way forward to let some blood rush into my face so I don’t look pale from lack of sleep. I glance in the mirror – not bad.
I strut into the Commander’s office – my best impression of a kick-ass spy plane pilot, which is what I am.
“Tori, have seat please. This is Officer Sandra Frame from Manpower and Personnel.”
“Hello, how are you.”
“I’m fine Tori. Are you doing ok? Tori, we want to talk to you a little bit about your duties. As you know, fractional orbital flight missions are inherently dangerous and involve strategically sensitive information. Not to mention extremely expensive equipment. As you’re aware, some concerns have been raised about recent situations that could affect performance and safety.”
“I don’t know what you’re…what? Sorry, could you elaborate please?”
Officer Frame is now reading from her tablet. Senior Commander Briggs is looking at his screen as always, but his eyes now flick upward to meet mine.
“Tori, we’ve reviewed your recent flight logs and reports from your unit. There are some concerns regarding your fitness for duty. Specifically, there are concerns about ability to maintain necessary attention to detail in reconnaissance flight plans…”
A cold wave of horror pours downward from the top of my head, into my face, and downward into my shoulders, then into my stomach.
“…and there are other concerns that have been raised confidentially regarding matters of a more personal and spiritual nature that are not under official consideration in these remedial measures until a full investigation or confession is complete. You will be advised of the findings of this secondary investigation in accordance with the policies and procedures established by the Holy Military Personnel Tribunal.
“However, apart from those separate matters, effective immediately, you are grounded pending a full evaluation of your fitness for duty by the Holy Aerospace Medicine Board. We cannot clear you for flight status until this evaluation is complete. This is a precautionary measure to ensure the safety of the crew and the aircraft.”
I’m rattled and sputtering. “Personal and spiritual matters? What is, what does that…what?”
“Those are separate matters not under consideration in this action. Regarding your current grounding, you have the following rights in accordance with Holy Supreme Council Directive 44-B, Administrative Reallocation:
“You have the right to retain spiritual counsel by a qualified Prophet of your choosing, subject to approval by the Aerospace Holy Health Board. The Board strongly recommends that you retain the counsel of your local Prophet, who is Prophet, uh let’s see…” Officer Frame scrolls around on her tablet.
“Ah, I see, yes, Prophet Ickle.
“You have the right to request further supplemental review of the said Prophet’s counsel by a Regional Apostle of the said Prophet’s choosing.
Apostle?, I’m thinking - No fucking way am I even allowed to talk to an Apostle even if I wanted to which I don’t.
“You have five days to submit a written statement of objection to the Holy Aerospace Health Board.
“You have the right to know the detailed specific reasons for this action other than reasons that are classified as ‘Operational Security’. You may apply for release of the detailed specific reason for this action by requesting it through a qualified Prophet of your choosing—and again we recommend Prophet Ickle—subject to approval by the Holy Aerospace Health Board.”
“Failure to submit to the said Prophetic counsel, and to submit the said written statement of objection, and to apply for release of the said detailed reasons within five days from the date of this notice constitutes acceptance of and confession to the detailed reasons for this notice and the terms of this notice.
“Your acceptance of the terms of this notice would most likely make it unnecessary to proceed with the investigation of the other matters of a more personal and spiritual nature.”
Suddenly Officer Frame’s tone turns cheerful and sweet. “Well, if there are no questions, Tori? Good. Here you go, and we look forward to helping you with the favour of the Manifested Gods.”
Captain Frame stands up quickly, hands me some papers, nods at Commander Briggs and walks out.
Commander Briggs finally speaks. “I’m sorry, Tori. I’m putting you on paid administrative leave – fifty per cent pay – for one month to be automatically extended pending investigation findings. Do not go back to your workstation. Exit these premises and go home. Do not come in tomorrow. Contact me any time. And see your Prophet, he’s a great man from everything I’ve heard.”
He walks out, leaving me sitting alone. I’m paralyzed with intense anxiety, fists clenched, teeth gritted behind pursed lips, holding my breath, definitely not crying.